What Was, What Is, What Could Be
by MoonbeamDancer
Summary: CBGJoan. What if there was a reason that God showed up in the Cute Boy God form to Joan? What if he was real at one point and they had been together?
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes- My first Joan of Arcadia fanfic, enjoy. I don't own any of them, except for this story, send comments to Anything in italics is a dream or memory.

Summary: What if there was a reason that God showed up in the Cute Boy God form to Joan?

_Charleston__, North Carolina___

_October 31, 1861_

_The Braddock Mansion_

_ The party was in full swing when Kris Spencer approached the home of his secret Joan Braddock. Their love affair was kept a secret because Joan's father didn't approve of him and because Kris was a member of the Union Army. _

_Kris was wearing a tux with a ruffled shirt and a silver half mask, his curly brown hair framing it. Kris quickly adjusted the mask to hide his face, knocked on the door and was admitted to the party with the invitation Joan had given him. Kris walked into the ballroom and looked for Joan, spotting her dress in the sea of people dancing. _

_Joan's hair was pulled atop her head, hanging down in ringlets and her costume was a dress made of black and silver velvet with white lace trimming the square-cut bodice and cuffs of her sleeves. Her mask was that of a cat, silver with black accents, held in place with black silk ribbons There were a few strands of pearls lacing through her hair and around her throat was a heart shaped pendent of amesyst, a symbol of Kris's love for her. _

_The dance soon ended and Joan came over to him._

_"Hello Miss Braddock. Would you grace a mere mortal with the honor of a dance?" Kris asked, holding out his hand._

_Joan smiled at this. "But of course sir." She replied, taking his hand._

_Kris pulled her onto the center of the dance floor, one hand holding hers, the other wrapped gently at her waist. The two danced, their heads bent towards each other talking softly._

_"I wasn't sure you'd make it."_

_"Nothing would stop me from seeing you, Joan, you know that."_

_"Still, I worry about you. Especially with the war happening."_

_ Kris smiled. "I'll be fine, then we can be together like we planed." His eyes lingered on the pendent; it also doubled as Joan's engagement ring. He saw a look cross Joan's face and asked what was wrong._

_"My father wants me to marry Adam Rove. I told him I was already engaged to another and when he found it was you, he because furious."_

_Kris sighed softly. "Did he say anything else?"_

_"He's forcing me to marry Adam and to never see you again. We're to be married after Adam gets back from the war."_

_Kris tightened his grip and Joan's waist, eyes flashing slightly._

_"Kris?"_

_"I'm fine love, just thinking."_

_ The two kept dancing and Kris pulled Joan close whispering, "Do you love me Joan?" before kissing her._

_The kiss felt like molten lava and Joan nipped lightly at his lips when he was ripped away._

_'You How did you get in/' Joan's father demanded, turning Kris to face him._

_"Papa, stop!" Joan cried out, trying to pull Kris away._

_"Stay out of this Joan." Jonathan Braddock replied and began pulling Kris away from her. "I want you out Spencer and stay away from my daughter."_

_Joan followed, "Kris, Kris wait!"_

_Kris pulled against Jonathan calling back to her. "Joan! Wait for me, I'll come back. I promise!" he shouted as they pulled him out of the ballroom and down the hall._

Joan Girardi bolted up in bed, breathing hard, hands shaking, with the man's cries still ringing in her head. "What was that?" she whispered. Joan looked at the clock next to her bed, 6am. Joan flopped back down in bed, staring up at the ceiling, confusion in her eyes. After a while Joan got up and got ready for school.

"Joan!" she heard on the way.

Turning around she saw God in his Cute Boy form and flinched in surprise. He saw this and asked if she was okay.

"I'm… fine." She said, staring at him. "_Looks just like him."_ She thought "What did you want?"

"Nothing, just wanted to walk with you to school."

"That's a first; normally you want me to do something."

"What, is it against the rules to escort my favorite instrument to school?"

"You should know, _you_ made them, and I'm your only instrument." Joan replied.

God smirked at that and the two continued in silence.

Later in class Joan was sitting in her seat, half dozing, half paying attention to her teacher prattle on about something when the guy's face flashed through her mind along with the words "Do you love me Joan?" that echoed and rebounded in her mind. Joan gave a dreamy smile and yipped slightly when the bell rang. _"Who is he?"_ she wondered.


	2. Chapter 2

That afternoon found Joan sitting in her room in the floor, back against the foot of her bed working on homework, currently slogging her way through an assignment for English. Joan's eyes fluttered and she groaned. "One more question, then nap." She mumbled to herself. "I promise." Joan finished reading the section to make sure she understood what was needed for the question and then finished the question. "Finally." Joan whispered before sliding down to the rug, too tired to get up and get into the bed, her eyes falling closed.

_Joan was laying the flowers on the grave when she heard someone cough softly behind her. Turning her head, she saw Kris, standing there in a pair of black pants; boots, a wool long sleeved shirt and a long, tan brown corduroy coat, and smiled. "I'm almost done, would you like to meet her?" she asked, holding out her hand. Kris stepped up beside her and saw whose grave it was:_

_Elizabeth Abigail Braddock._

_Born April 4, 1825, died September 24, 1851._

_May she rest in Peace and the Light._

_ "Who's this?" Kris asked softly._

_"My mother, she died when I was six, horse accident." Turning back to the tombstone she said, "Mama, this is Kris. Kris Spencer, he's the man I was telling you about earlier."_

_Kris grinned at that. "You talk to your mother about me?"_

_Joan nodded. "Say hello back, silly, it's rude if you don't."_

_"Sorry, didn't mean to be rude." Kris faced the grave. "Hello Mrs. Braddock, it's a pleasure to meet you, I hope all the things you've heard about me were good. "_

_"They were."_

_"Good. You have a beautiful daughter Mrs. Braddock, I love her very much."_

_"I love you too." Joan whispered, kissing his cheek._

_The two made small talk for a little bit and then bid their good byes to Mrs. Braddock and walked away from her. The were half way down the main path when Kris stopped walking and turned to face Joan, the look in her eyes turning from fun to serious. "I have something I want to ask you." He said softly. He gently squeezed the hand he was holding, and pulled a small box out of his coat pocket. He dropped down to one knee, looking up at Joan and asked, "Will you marry me Joan?" He opened the box and there lay a pendent of purple amesyst in the shape of a heart. It hung on a slender silver chain and Kris took it out of the box and rested it in his hand._

_Joan stared at him of a moment before asking if he was serious._

_"I have never been more serious in my life. I love you Joan, I want to be with you for the rest of our lives. And before you say anything, yes, I know this will be talked about and I **don't** care. I just want to be with you."_

_Joan looked at him and saw that he really was serious, that he really did love her that much and realized that she wanted to be with him no matter what. Her family would talk, the neighbors would talk, her father would be furious, but she felt for once that she had to follow her heart; to do what she wanted. Joan slowly nodded yes and whispered the word._

_"Is that a yes, then?" Kris asked, just to make sure he had heard right._

_"Yes. Yes, I'll marry you." Joan whispered louder, and giggled as Kris stood up and fastened the chain around her neck._

_Joan smiled, her eyes glowing in joy and leaned up to kiss him. As the two connected, there was a moan of wind as the snow started swirl down around them._

_"I love you Joan Spencer, I'll love you to the day I die and forever after that." Kris whispered in her ears, trying out her soon to be name; pulling her close as the snow continued to fall._

_"I love you too Kris Spencer, till the day I die and forever more." Joan replied, kissing him back._


	3. Chapter 3

Joan's eyes fluttered open and she rolled on to her back, looking unfocusedly at the ceiling. "_That's it, time to do some research. I need to know who this is._" She thought and got up. Joan quickly grabbed a notebook and pencil and drove over to the library.

She stood in the doorway unsure of where to start and decided to go to the front desk and see if the librarian could help. After explaining what she wanted, Joan was sitting in front of a microfiche machine going through spools from the 1860s. She was scanning the obituaries of April 1863 when something caught her eye. Joan flicked back to it and began to read.

_Kristopher Spencer born August 19, 1843, died today from wounds gotten in a small skirmish outside of Lon Sophia, Virginia._

Joan stopped breathing as those words jumped out at her, grabbing a hold of her mind.

_There was a knock at the door and a letter, the envelope wrinkled and stained with dirt, was brought to me. I opened in and out fell a lock of hair tied with a bit of string, a ring and a short letter. All it said was:_

_ Miss Braddock,_

_I'm sorry to tell you this but Kris Spencer is dead. He died of two gun shot wounds to the chest and stomach. I took care of him as best I could and he told me of you and that the two of you were to be married, regardless of what your father said. Before he died, he asked me to send you these. Please take some solace in the fact that he died safe and warm and wanted nothing but to see you again and the fact that you were always with him until her died. Your name was the last thing he said._

_Sincerely,_

_Rosaline Stanford._

_I put down the letter; tears threatening to fail as I clutched the ring and hair in my hands. They finally did fall as the cold metal slowly warmed in my hand._

Joan sat at the machine shaking, her nails digging into her palms. She closed her eyes to keep back the tears as more slid though her mind. Their first kiss, when they first met and the start of wedding plans.

"I need you" she whispered, opening her eyes. "You better be there."

Joan left the library and began to head towards home. About half way home, near the cemetery she saw him.

"Hi."

Joan stopped dead in her tracks in front of him. "Is it true?" she whispered. "Was Kris real?"

God slowly nodded. "Yes. You were too."

Joan swallowed and asked "Are you him? Were we together then?"

God remained silent for a moment "I can't answer that Joan." He replied softly.

Joan sniffled and grabbed his hands, looking up into his eyes. "Can't or won't.?" she demanded. "Answer me! Please."

God stared at her, were those tears in his eyes? "Both." He growled; his jaw and hands tightening.

Joan stared back at him, startled; she had never seen him angry before.

"I'm not angry with you; I just can't and won't answer."

God was starting to walk away when Joan grabbed him by the elbow. "I've never really asked you for anything, just please answer me."

He said nothing, just looked at her, noting the determined and serious look she had on and knew that she wouldn't stop until she had an answer. He sighed in defeat and took her hand and led her into the cemetery and sat down on one of the benches.

"You and Kris were real. You really were together."

"Why do you look like him? Were you him?"

"Yes."

Joan was speechless for a moment.

"I loved you so much Joan when I was human. I wanted to stay with you then and I've waited since then for you."

"You died." Joan whispered. "I missed you so much."

"I know and I'm sorry I had to leave, I wanted to stay."

Joan smiled at that. "Why didn't you?"

"I couldn't. I was needed in the world."

"What about now? Do you think that we could try again?"


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you sure you want to Joan?"

"Why wouldn't I be? I'd like to see if we could work again."

"I'm not Kris Spencer anymore Joan, are you sure you're not confusing what we had with the relationship we have now?"

Joan remained silent, part of her agreeing with what he said. Kris Spencer was dead and gone, had been for more then a century, was she really just confusing herself with what they had shared at one point?

"I need to think about this." Joan said softly.

God nodded. "Okay, call when you've made up your mind." He squeezed Joan's hand and walked away, leaving her with her thoughts.

For the next few days, Joan was absorbed in her thoughts and memories of what had happened back in 1861 and what God had said back in the cemetery. Joan admitted to herself that while she loved him, she wasn't sure if it was romantic love or just love in general. _"And he's right, he wouldn't be Kris anymore, we couldn't just pick up where we left off, we'd have to start over again."_ She thought. She smiled at the thought of getting a second chance to be with him again, to try again and get it right this time.

On Friday afternoon Joan was watching the cast register at the bookstore and working on the last bit of history homework when the bell over the door rang. Joan looked up from her textbook to see who it was.

"God stepped up to the counter and smiled at her. "Hi"

"Hey yourself, did you just get bored with waiting or is there a reason you're here?"

"What, I can't just come see you? I have to have a reason now?"

"Well no, I was just wondering."

"Just came to see you and if you had decided yet."

Joan nodded. "I have, and you're right, you're not that person anymore, same as I'm not that Joan anymore. I want to start over again. I want _us_ to start over again."

"Alright." God reached for her hand and pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. "I do too." He replied and let her go. "I'll be in touch later next week." He head towards the door, turning back when Joan called his name. "Yes?"

"Why so long?"

"It takes time to make a human body Joan, even for me." And with that he left.

A small smile graced Joan's lips as she shook her head, laughing softly to herself. "It's gonna be a long week." She said.

The next week on Thursday afternoon, God was quietly walking the streets of Arcadia. He really didn't have anywhere in particular in mind, he was just walking around, looking at what his children had made. Truthfully he was just waiting for Joan to be done with school; he had something to show her. He was near the school when he heard the bell ring, signaling the end of another day. He hopped up onto the ledge at the end of the stairs to sit and waited for Joan to come out.

Joan silently opened her locker, staring at it for a moment trying to remember why she had opened it in the first place.

"It's where you store your books Girardi. You take what you need and leave what you don't." Grace said from behind.

"Huh? Oh yeah. Sorry, just out of it." Joan said, shaking her head.

"You've been like this all week, what's up?"

"Nothing, just thinking."

"About…"

"Nothing."

In truth Joan had been thinking a lot about what had been going on during the past week. Or actually what _hadn't_ been happening during the past week. She hadn't seen or heard from God since Friday and she was wondering if he was okay. On top of that she hadn't had any memories resurface at all. She shut her locker and followed Grace out the front of the school.


	5. Chapter 5

God watched the students come down the stairs and ignoring the looks some girls were giving him, whistled for Joan. Joan stopped on the stairs at the whistle and looked around. God waved and smiled. Joan grinned, which Grace caught.

"So that's the "nothing" you've been thinking about."

"Shut up Grace. See ya later." Joan threw over her shoulder and walked towards him.

God slid off the ledge when she was close enough and when she was in front of him, gently brushed a kiss on her lips. Joan began to pull back a bit when God hooked her hip with his left hand.

"Don't fight, just let it happen Joan." He whispered, pulling her back, his tongue lapping at her lips. Joan gave in, wrapping her arms around his neck.

The kiss became deeper and more passionate and had been going on for a few moments when the two heard a cough behind them.

"Excuse me but who do you think you are and why do you have your tongue down my daughter's throat?"

The two broke apart, Joan looking slightly guilty, her hand resting on God's pounding heart. _"Since when did he… on my God…he's alive. He's really alive." _She thought as she stared up at her father. He was there to get Helen and Joan, he had barrowed the car that day, and Joan was about to answer when God did it for her.

"I'm sorry; you must be Joan's father, Will Girardi. I'm Ash Nightraven, Joan's boyfriend."

At the statement Joan's brain locked up and she blushed brightly. Just then Helen walked up and asked what was going on. "It seems our daughter has a boyfriend and didn't bother to tell us." Will replied.

Joan flinched a little at that. "Sorry, it's kind of a recent thing, still getting used to it."

"Didn't seem so judging by that kiss." said Will.

"We got a little carried away. I apologize for any trouble." Ash replied.

_"You better!"_ Joan thought.

Will relented at this and said that they needed to get going.

Ash gave Joan a chaste kiss on the cheek and whispered in her ear. "Sorry about getting you in trouble. I'll see you later?" Joan nodded yes and Ashe grinned. "Okay, bye Joan."

Dropping one last kiss on her head, he walked away leaving the three to deal with what had just happened.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Notes: It's short, but better then nothing. OH and before I forget, go look at me new JOA site. It's a site for the pairing of CBG and Joan. And has anyone else noticed that I always have God leaving after something important has happened, me too, I don't know why...

Joan turned back to her parents. "I'm really sorry, this "us" thing just kinda started."

"Just get in the car." Will said.

As they headed home, Helen turned her head and asked where they had met.

"At the bookstore. He needed help looking for a book and we started talking and things led from there."

"When?" Will asked. He was feeling "Big Protective Dad" just jump out of him and couldn't help it; she was after all, his little girl. If this guy hurt her, he was a dead, dead, _DEAD_ man.

"A little under two months ago." Joan replied, inwardly wincing at the lies she was telling her parents. _"Sorry. I know I shouldn't lie but this is kind of necessary."_ She thought, knowing he'd hear.

"And you were gonna tell us when?" Will continued.

"Soon, just didn't know when the time would be right." Joan was beginning to feel like she was being interrogated.

"So you've known this guy for two months, began seeing him, and didn't know when you were gonna tell us?"

"Will, stop." Helen said.

"Helen, she's been seeing a guy who looks older then her and probably is, and didn't tell us-"

"Will! Stop right now. You remember what it was like being a teenager right? So just stop with the twenty questions."

Will sighed and nodded, the three continued home in silence.

Joan stared out the window, mentally apologizing again for the lies and adding on her father's behavior to the list as well. God was walking down the street when he heard her and grinned to himself. _"It's alright Joan."_ He thought _"He's busy being a dad and you are his only daughter, so he's entitled to a little freak out."_

Joan smiled to herself and knew her was okay with things.

I'll just say one more thing and then shut up. I want to meet this guy, I wanna know what his intentions are with you."

"Next time I see him, I'll let him know."

Helen smiled, which Will saw. "Just think it's funny is all."

"What?"

"How you're getting all protective about her. It's cute."


	7. Chapter 7

When they got home Will reminded Joan, who nodded and said she'd tell Ash.

"Ash who?" asked Kevin.

"Ash Nightraven, Joan's boyfriend." Helen said, coming in the door.

Kevin raised an eyebrow and asked Joan, "Is he nice?"

"Yes."

"Does he treat you good?"

"Yes."

"Do I have to kick his ass?"

"No Kevin."

"Damn." Kevin hit his hand on the arm of his chair. "I was looking forward to that. Okay, now I have to meet the guy, see if he's good enough for you."

Later that night Joan was in her room writing in her journal when her cell phone rang. Picking it up, she glanced at the faceplate and saw who it was.

"Hi Ash."

"Hello Joan. Come out to the backyard, we gotta talk."

"Okay." Joan hung up and came out. "God has a cell phone?" she asked, walking up and nicking the phone to get a look at it.

"Yeah, I do."

"Text messaging, e-mail, net access… man, you got all the cool toys."

"I know." God took back the phone "You guys come up with the most fun things."

"Thanks. Anyway, you wanted to talk?"

God nodded, putting the phone away.

"What about? Oh! And before I forget, my dad wants to talk to you. I think he thinks that you're gonna whisk me away and ravish me, or something."

"I don't ravish Joan; that would be cruel."

Joan stared at him for a moment and laughed. "Very funny, but now onto what you wanted to talk about?"

"Actually we didn't need to talk; it was just an excuse to see you."

"I thought as much."

"And to give you this." God gently brushed Joan's lips with his.

The contact was so soft that Joan almost missed it. This kiss was different from the one they had shared earlier; it was soft and gentle, like a pair of butterfly wings were settling on her mouth. Joan smiled as they broke apart and God pulled her close, his arms loose around her waist, her head on his shoulder.

"When should I come by?"

"Hmm? Oh, that. Um, does Saturday afternoon around 3:00 work?"

"Time is a human invention Joan."

"I know but just answer me."

"Saturday at three is fine."

The two talked for a little bit before Joan decided it was time for her to go back in. She watched God walk out of the backyard from the back porch, giving his signature wave and down the street before going in.

That Saturday afternoon God rang the doorbell and Helen answered the door. "Hello Ash, I'm Joan's mother, Helen." She said, letting him in.

God smiled. "Hi Mrs.Girardi." God replied as he took off his coat and let her take it."

"Call me Helen."

"Alright, Helen."

They came over to the kitchen where Will and Joan were. Will was at the sink rinsing a large knife, Joan at the table, gutting a pumpkin. She smiled at him and said hi. "I'd come and give you a hug, but" she pulled out a handful of seeds and pulp. "I'm up to my elbows in pumpkin." She plopped it onto the mass of newspaper that was already holding a lot of pulp and seeds already on the table.

"Well that's okay Joan, didn't want you around me anyway." God smirked, teasing her.

Joan snorted, "Fine, love you too." She said, sticking out her tongue.

"Hello Ash." Will said, turning around, knife still in hand.

"Hello Mr. Girardi."

Joan came over to wash her hands. "Be nice please." She whispered to Will.

"I will."

They all sat down and Will looked at God, his face a blend of cop and big scary "You hurt my daughter and you die" dad. God congratulated himself on not laughing.

"Joan says you've been seeing each other for around two months."

"Yes sir, we met at the bookstore."

Joan mentally breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed a little, maybe this would be alight after all. Helen asked if anyone wanted a drink and brought glasses of water, a mug of hot tea and one of chocolate with whipped cream for Joan. She sat down next to her and they began to sort the seeds from the pulp into a bowl to be roasted later.

Will was very pleased with God. He was nice, polite, did _not_ ogle his daughter in his sight and made Joan happy. So maybe he was good enough to date her.

"So what are you intentions with my daughter Ash?"

God and Joan both choked on their drinks, even though they both knew that question was coming.

"Honey, are you alright?" Helen asked. Joan nodded and wiped off her chin. "Ash?"

"Fine Helen." God put down his glass and refocused on Will after cleaning off his chin. "My ah, intentions with your daughter?" he asked trying to swallow his laughter.

_"Oh God, don't screw up now."_ Joan groaned mentally.

Will nodded, his face nothing but big scary dad.

"I care for your daughter very much Mr. Girardi, there's nothing I wouldn't do for her and no way could I hurt her."

"Good." Will smiled. "You're a dead man if you do."

Joan winced. "Gee thanks dad, scare him off why don't you…"

"It's okay Joan, I understand where he's coming from." God replied. He then asked if there was anything else and if not, if Joan wanted to go for a walk. She said yes and after getting their coats the two left the house.


	8. Chapter 8

On the way down the sidewalk, they ran into Kevin and Luke

"Hey Joan, who's this?" asked Luke.

"Ash, these are my brothers, Luke and Kevin."

They said hi.

"So this is the guy." Said Kevin, sizing Ash up. "Well, he's still alive, I see no missing limbs and I hear no sirens. Dad must have liked him."

"I guess so, unless he's calling them now, in which case we better go."

Joan grabbed God's arm and playfully half dragged him down the sidewalk a ways. She stopped to turn around and say goodbye to her brothers and the two once again resumed their walk.

They ambled over to the park and with out needing to talk, sat on the swings, Joan pushing herself lightly with her feet. God bumped her with his swing.

"Hey, everything okay? You were quiet the whole way here."

Joan nodded. "Yeah, just thinking."

"What about?"

"About us. What could happen, where we could go."

"Do you still want this?"

"I know that we've talked about this and the answer's still yes, I'm just..."

"Scared?"

"Yes."

God turned the swings around so that they were facing each other. He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Me too."

"Even God gets scared?"

He nodded. "Yeah, but that's part of the fun, not knowing what going to happen next."

"Thought you knew everything."

"I do, just not about us, or you for that matter."

"So you can't tell what I'm thinking or anything."

"I couldn't to begin with remember? But basically whatever happens between us, happens."

Joan remained silent, mulling over what he had told her. "So where'd you get "Ash" from, don't tell me it's short for Ashley." She asked, changing the subject.

God laughed softly at that. "No, it's not. It's just Ash."

"Why Ash?"

"No reason, other then I like the name and I didn't want to use Kris again."


End file.
